I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
