I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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