TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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