That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize