My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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