so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
