You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize