How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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