We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
