Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
