my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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