i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
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You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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