when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
