i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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