i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
