Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
