Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
