Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
