the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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