i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
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