you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
