My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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