i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
