I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
