I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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