Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
