I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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