Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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