toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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