the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
