i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
