Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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