jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
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It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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