Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
