bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
