see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
