I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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