My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Be still, my beating vagina.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
