I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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