I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
