dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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