you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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