I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
