I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
