From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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