i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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