We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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