Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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