I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
