how can u be prego again
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
