Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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