happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
