a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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