i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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