I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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