Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
