girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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